Don't blame it on the ministry: Relationship Edition

I was having lunch with a church planter's wife the other day when the topic of relationships came up.  She talked about how she was afraid of forming relationships within their church and staff because what if she opened up to them and they left the church?

I wrote a blog a while back called Don't blame it on the ministry.  The blog was written in the context of raising kids in the ministry. How we can give them a negative image of the church when we blame everything on the ministry.

So to piggy back off of that thought, I want to call this post, Don't Blame it on the Ministry, Relationships Edition.  Here is the thought I want to throw out there... Relationships come and go in life but you cannot live without them. 

If you never spend one second in full time ministry, I guarantee that you will still experience many failed relationships during your lifetime.  It may be that you lose contact with your best friend from childhood.  It may be that you move back home after college and lose touch with your sorority sisters.  Or maybe you move neighborhoods or change jobs or schools.

Then there are the unfortunate and painful times when things go south and you stop contact with someone.  You could even lose the most sacred relationship of all, your marriage.  In fact, if you think about it, besides family relationships (which can often be more rocky than non-family), most people do not stay in contact with their childhood or even high school and college friends.

I think you get the point I am trying to make.  While some relationships fizzle out and others end dramatically, losing friends is a part of life.

So would you go throughout your life never having relationships at the risk of losing them?  You can't.  And you can't do it in ministry either.

Will people leave your church?  For sure.  Will it hurt?  Of course.  We must always remember that there are seasonal relationships and there are forever relationships.  My husband, my children, my parents, those are forever relationships.  They won't always be perfect, but they're the longest term investments in my life. And while I have dear friends that I love and confide in, I must always remember that they are not guaranteed to last forever. Still, that does not mean that God can not use them in my life today.

You have to risk relationships because it is in relationships you find encouragement, camaraderie, and challenge, even if they are just for a season.

I don't regret forming relationships with even the people who hurtfully left my church and my life.  God used those people in my life for a season.  And really, whenever someone leaves my life, I find God usually replaces them for a reason that I'll understand later---either in their life or in mine.  My husband says, "Sometimes God has to delete stuff from your hard drive to make room for an upgrade."

Don't blame lost relationships on being in the ministry.  It is a part of living life.

Comments

[Flo]

I believe you are right...it is through outside relationships that we learn encouragement and are challenged. By holding back in these relationships, we are doing ourselves a disservice by not allowing ourselves the opportunity to be worked on - by God - from the inside out. After all, God is more concerned with our hearts than our level of comfort.

[Kaitlin]

"You have to risk relationships because it is in relationships you find encouragement, camaraderie, and challenge, even if they are just for a season."

This is really good! I don't want to hold back on a relationship because of fear. We should be risk takers, especially with people! Thank you so much for your insight on this, I love reading your blog and getting a glimpse of your outlook on life! :)

[Kim]

Your post was emailed to me by a sweet friend and it was just what I needed to hear! I, too, am a pastor's wife and we planted a church in Texas about 6 years ago. I've really struggled with the changing seasons in some of my friendships over the last couple of year and it is so encouraging to know it's just part of life and I'm not the only one! Thanks for being real with your writing!

[kristen]

thanks so much holly. i am linking this to my blog so people can read it because i've been thinking about this thought for awhile but don't think i could have worded it as concisely and well as you did. thanks for sharing! hope you're doing well:) kristen mac:)

[Rachel]

I do think that it is wise to be careful who you share certain things with. You have to accept when/if the relationship ends can the whole world know what you've shared and not ruin who and what you are for Christ.

[Amy Argo]

Brilliant! Simply brilliant. Paradigm shift for me.

[J Camp]

How true! This was an unexpected part of "being in ministry" for me. I mean... We are all serving Jesus- we would always be friends, right? hmmm... Not so much. I definitely reacted to the loss(es) with a hesitation to become close with anyone I worked with but God showed me that was wrong. And definitely not what Jesus did. And He has proven Himself over and over again with new relationships as well as showing me what I went through had a purpose of growing in Him. I won't lie, I still feel like I am healing from it and have to ask God to continually search my heart and see if there is any anger or bitterness . I want be at a place where I can fully thank Him for the journey and look at the person/people with 100% love and grace.

[Sara]

Love your comment about risking relationships....even if they are only for a season. A great reminder for where I'm at today! Thanks!

[Catherine Ong]

couldn't have said it better! Cheers for such an honest and straight forward perspective :) regards from Malaysia :D