Coach before, encourage after

Once a month I take some of our staff wives out to lunch.  After a very long break, we finally got together this past month.  Maybe I should move our meetings to every three months because we had some really great conversations.

We were talking about how to walk the fine of balancing constructive criticism, that our husbands do want to hear, with encouragement.  If all we every did was encourage, it wouldn't be real.  If all we ever do is criticize, we would crush our mates.

I have learned (the hard way) that 90% of my coaching (a much better word than criticize) comes before and encouragement always follows.  For me the way this looks is coaching on Friday and Saturday night, encouragement on Sunday afternoon.

On Friday I may say something like, "Babe, last week, I really wished that you would have read the whole scripture first so I could have a little bit of context."  Sunday I am only full of encouragement.  I am always very careful about the timing and wording of my negative comments. 

Nobody wants to be criticized after they do something.  It is demoralizing and embarrassing.  As married couples, we protect each other.  Criticism is always for the growth of the other person, nothing more.  It works no matter what your spouse does.

Coach before, Encourage after.

Comments

[Katelyn Weidenhamer]

This is such great advice!
My fiance went to the Three Conference awhile back and told me about you speaking there and the things your husband said about you. When DJ told about how encouraging and supportive you are, I realized that I was way to harsh with him post-preaching. But I was confused, because sometimes, I just feel like I need to say something lol. Which could be something good or bad?? Anyway, reading this is an answered prayer. Thanks for your advice, I know God gives it to you, so thanks for listening.

[Indira]

This post was awesome...I tried that this weekend...although I was tempted to give "constructive criticism" all I did was encourage and praise him. Thank you!

[Mandy Perry]

Holly,
My husband, rhinorun.wordpress.com, referred me to your blog. And wow, it is so great. You are a precious wife, and I am so grateful for the loving heart you have for your husband and his ministry. So much of what you share here has encouraged and challenged me, so thanks for what you do. As a mom of two, too, I know how hard it must be to find the time to blog, but please girl, keep it up. You are an inspiration!

[Noraliz]

Hi Holly,

I'm new to reading your blogs, and let me tell you, they are great! I enjoy them very much. Thanks for your advice,and words of wisdom!

[Heather]

Hi, Holly! I really enjoy reading your blog. My husband is a minister of music at our church, and I have thought of the great advice in this post many times since I first read it. Thanks for the words of wisdom to pastors'/ministers' wives you often have here!

[Holly Furtick]

Wow Katrin, thank you for your sweet words. Very encouraging!

[Katrin]

Dear Mrs. Furtick,
As I am reading your blog I am truly amazed by the knowledge of live you display. Combined with the, deepness of your thoughts, your kindness and love you show for the world and everybody around you shows me what a remarkable and amazing woman you are. I wonder what makes you who you are and why it seems almost picture perfect. I don’t want to make assumptions but I think the reason for that is that you have been walking with God all your life and you know how to listen to him.
I got to know God at the age of 35 and I often wonder how different my life would have been if I would have listen to God a bit earlier. It took a lot to shake me awake and pay attention to him. I believe that you, the woman behind the Pastor, are the enabler of Elevation Church. You are the coach, supporter and care taker. You make it possible for Pastor Steven to preach the word of God and you make it possible for people like me to find God. I sincerely want to thank you for everything you do behind the scenes. You and your husband have an impact in this world that I don’t think anybody can really fully understand at this moment.

[Jim Evans]

Great blog! After 33 years of church planting and faith missions with my wife, I attest to the awesome insight and significant importance of what you are saying. Young wives of passionate preachers . . please pay close attention to Holly's wisdom.

[Billy]

Great wisdom. However, I not only thought about my wife during your words, but also of my children. That advice could be applied across a broad spectrum. Thanks!

[Misty]

such a good, wise advice!
its all in the timing & also how you say it.
thanks for the good reminder.

[Lane]

Great post Holly!! I deal with this all the time!!! I agree with ya... And coaching is a much better word!!! Good stuff!

[beth jones]

hey holly...great blogs! great to meet you at C3...enjoyed being on the panel with you. you are a great inspiration to young women...i know my daughter loved you. it was easy to see the Lord's glow in your life...wish you the best as you guys continue to explode for God! :) blessings...beth

[Sherilyn - Dominee Huisvrouw]

Great advice. I never know the best time to tell him that he touched his ear like 100 times, & that I loved the way he built up to the main point!

[Jenni]

Thanks Holly - great advice.
I know my husband is so wiped out on Sunday nights and I have learned that it is not the time to "coach" - and not just about church but about other family stuff as well. You are right timing makes all the difference.

[Erika]

I am on the same boat, I too have learned the hard way about our timing not being right, timing is very important for either direction, coaching or encouraging.

Thanks,

[Patience]

Thanks for this timely advice, Holly. Your words remind me of Esther, who knew not only what to say to her king but the right timing for those words as well. Great advice!

[Stephanie]

Great post!

I also wanted to let you know that I gave you some "bloggy awards" on my blog if you would like to accept them.

[Cynthia]

I had to read this several times before I finally understood what you really meant.
The first time, I was thinking - "I disagree!" I work with my husband and the talented teams in charge of our children and student programs. The process that we've initiate includes extensive planning meetings, tons of teamwork when facilitating classes and small group discussions, and (sometimes extensive) debriefing meetings. In all of these cases, weve learned to encourage first. For teachers, it may be about the plans, about the execution of the plans, or about an over the top, off the wall creative idea. For students, it may be about them stepping up as a leader, their participation in the program, or about their efforts in their relationship with God. The encouraging words come to stabilize the rocky foundation that they've just built.
Then comes the coaching - "now that you've got this foundation under your feet,..." Anyone is built up by the encouagement and thinks "Yes, they told me I'm headed in the right direction!" And that can cause them to be more open to the coaching part.
This process works for my husbanad as well - "Thank you so much honey for putting the clothes in the bathroom into ONE pile instead of carpeting the floor! Now, if you can just move that ONE pile 2 feet over and get it in the basket I have set out, you'd be an expert and keeping the clothes picked up!" Oh yeah, he knows how to keep the bathroom clean (unless I run off with the basket).
Then, I re-read the entire post and thought "Ok, I agree with this." Before the event (the service, the drama, the class, etc), essentially, during the planning time, tons of coaching goes on (we still follow the process of above, but the ratio of encouragement to coaching favors the coaching side). Where as after the event, during the debriefing, it flops and encouagement becomes the favored side. But there is also some coaching involved. This allows us to celebrate the things that went great but also allows us to address and brainstorm solutions of the things that went not-so-great while they are fresh on our minds.
And I think we all know, we wouldn't DARE try to give coaching to our husbands immediately after a service or event, not without a buffer at least. So, I think I've discovered that there's two ways to think about this and they are actually both right!